Avoid Misery In Relationships By Avoiding These Toxic People
Avoiding misery typically means staying away from toxic people. Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive toxic relationship.
Unlike physical abuse which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim are fully aware it’s happening.
Ten toxic male archetypes for women to avoid:
1. The jobless man-If a man is 18 years or older he should have the minimum skills to obtain a job. If he does not have a job he should be working towards getting one. An example of a man taking steps to get a job is that he is enrolled in college, a trade school, or is starting up a legitimate business. It is important to date a man who works because in order to survive in this world a family needs to be able to buy food to eat, have housing, clothes, transportation, hygiene items, and cleaning products for home. A man without a legal job is a red flag that he may have nothing to bring to the table in regards to your household, your life, a relationship, your happiness, and your future. No one wants to tie their life to a man who refuses to work. After all if he can’t provide for himself how he could possibly afford to take you on a date, pay for an engagement ring, chip in on a wedding, purchase a home, or support children. Run ladies run from a man with no job.
2. The drunk/drug addict -Movies and television make drinking seem like it is fun and it is the cool thing to do. They fail to show the down sides of heavily drinking. People who drink in excess waste a great amount of money that could be applied to other important things in life like food, mortgages, gas money, and college funds. To add to this drinking makes many people lose control of their actions. A man that may be kind and nice while sober may become the total opposite while intoxicated and display aggressive behaviors such as being rude, violent, and irresponsible. These behaviors are dangerous to the drinker, you, and your family. In life there are some things you can take risks with like investments and businesses. But being in the presence of a drunk is not a healthy risk and many have lost their lives to being a passenger of a drunk driver. Life is precious and short there is no need or reason why to tangle your life with a drunken fool. Besides dying due to a drunk driver, alcoholics may cheat on you because they are not of aware of their actions or they may try to use the excuse that they were drunk. Do not be a sucker and accept this treatment or excuses that could have been avoided. In addition if a person is alcoholic their children have a very high probability of becoming alcoholics too. You do not want to curse future generations in your family and others by poisoning it with alcohol addiction. You should want your children to have a bright future. Therefore steer clear of men with drug or alcohol addictions.
3. The abuser– Never date a man who thinks it is fun to harm animals by kicking them, fighting them against other animals, or torturing them. Studies shows that people who harm animals that there is a correlation in them being murderers as well. Stay away and run for the hills of verbal and emotional abusers.
Verbal and Emotional Abusers:
1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.
2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.
6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.
7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.
8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.
9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.
11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.
12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.
14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.
15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.
17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.
18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.
20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.
21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.
22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.
23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.
24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.
26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.
28. They share personal information about you with others.
29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
30. They make subtle and/or violent blatant threats to harm you or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it’s happening. If you recognize any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal. For those who’ve been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.
The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety. You simply can’t allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.
Can an emotional abuser change? It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change. The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.
At the first demonstration of harm to an animal, you, or another person leave this person in the dust and contact authorities. If a person loves you they will not harm you. No one wants to be associated with a violent person they are scary and unpredictable more importantly they can jeopardize your life.
4. The want to be pimps and gangsters-This man is delusional and has watched one to many gangster movies that glamorize manipulating multiple women and living off of women by exploiting them. This man is a total loser and hopes to boost his status amongst his fellow loser friends by perpetrating an image that he is attractive and that many women are at his disposable. It is not glamorous to live a life of crime like television and videos have made it appear it to be. That type of life often leads to a fast death or a lifetime behind bars. A man that even jokes or refers to himself as a pimp or a gangster lives in a make believe land, has no morals, is an opportunist, and is grimy. Do not associate with people like this. Their lives will go down the drain and they will try and take you down with them.
5. The deadbeat-Women do not date men who have children by multiple women and do not provide consistent care or make consistent financial contributions to their children’s lives. These men play the blame game and make excuses for their failures regarding their children. The deadbeat also spends zero time, to very little time complaining about the time they have to spend with their children. These men are empty, have no vision, and they do not have any regard for their future, or their children’s future. Often they have burnt the bridge with the mother of their first child or children and then they move on to the next woman who is weak, young, blind, or desperate for affection that they will take in an irresponsible man who has not been a father to his first child. This man is a burden to society. He is usually poor because he has debtors and child support agencies that are after him. Not only is he poor he has affected the mothers of his children. By the deadbeat leaving single mothers to raise children that require a great amount of money to live to be raised on one income he has made these women’s lives more difficult as well. This affects the livelihood of the fatherless children. Many of these children end up living in poverty. A life of poverty is not easy, it is hard, and makes it complicated to manage raising children, pursuing a career, reaching dreams, and achieving goals. Just say no to losers!
Some women have smart and caring role models like their married parents but often in today’s society many children have been raised in single parent households where the youth are learning about relationships from their inexperienced friends and television. This sometimes leads to the vicious cycle of poverty continuing. Adults and young people help to end this. Think about the future when dating. Adults be the first positive teacher to children and surround yourself with stable people and demonstrate what a healthy relationship is by partnering with a person who is compatible, caring, dependable, loving, and who values life.
6. Peter Pan– At first, you’re confused; he’s over 30 and (physically, at least) looks his age. And yet, there’s something about him that reads “college dorm” and “secretly wearing green tights beneath his Dockers.” You’ve found Mr. “I’ll never grow up,” otherwise known as Peter Pan — someone who still lives at home with his mother and never lived on his own. Maybe he lives on his own, and can handle the superficial issues life throws at him, but don’t dig too deep looking for a strong connection, commitment, or an equally mature partnership from him. Toxicity permeates the relationship when you’re the only one who stays grounded, spinning your wheels, and wondering why you can’t land him the way you’d hoped to while he flies off to Neverland. He’s fun, but if you think that will translate into a long-term relationship, you’re only kidding yourself.
7. El Cheap Grande– You’ve met this cheap chap before, haven’t you? He’s the one who seems intent on getting together, so he asks you out — and then zeroes in on the cost of everything (and the value of nothing) throughout your date. His toxicity isn’t just a fixation on the financial aspects of dating, though. It’s a flawed character trait — his cheapness goes deep, straight to the core of who he is inside. He’s as stingy with genuine affection as he is with the dollars he doesn’t want to spend. He’ll make you feel inconsiderate, too — as if you’re some kind of greedy spendthrift intent on bankrupting him. But dating doesn’t require anyone to pay a small fortune; there are plenty of ways to enjoy a person’s company and treat someone special without breaking the bank. He just hasn’t learned that.
8. Mr. Egomaniac– He’s just so smart, isn’t he — and if you have any questions about just how brilliant he is, he’ll be the first person to happily remind you. And yes, he’s also confident, so there’s a good reason why you’re drawn to him initially. As educated and successful as he may be, he’s missing a normal person’s sensitivity and empathy chips — you know, the ones that actually make you consider other people’s feelings before you speak and take a genuine interest in their lives? He usually talks non-stop, as if “conversation” is just the waiting period he must endure while you’re speaking and he’s catching his breath before resuming his soliloquy. He’s a know-it-all who’s always right and willing to shoot you down to prove his point. You’ll sense the effects of his toxicity when you start to feel boring and worthless in his company. Recognize that his egomania has absolutely nothing to do with you — then run.
9. The Control Freak– At first, you might think: Oh, he’s attentive. That’s nice. Next thing you know, this emotional micromanager places every word and move of yours under the kind of intense scrutiny that’s more worthy of a panel evaluating Ph.D. candidates than a romantic tête-á-tête. You begin to second-guess yourself about everything from what to order for dinner (sugar is a no-no if he’s a health fanatic) to date-night entertainment (he’ll never embrace your movie choices) to interacting with his family and friends (he’ll tell you what to wear, say, and do without even blinking). Being under his thumb starts out cozily enough, but soon stifles every aspect of your individuality.
10. King of the (Eternally) Brokenhearted- His vulnerability seems appealing when he admits his attraction to you, but there’s also a distance there that you can’t quite put your finger on. He tells you that he broke up with a woman months or years earlier, and he’s still struggling to move forward emotionally. He expects lots of understanding from you, along with plenty of space and no pressure — you know, to speed up the healing process? But in fact, he’s still hung up on the woman (or more likely, women) he dated before you. You’ll never live up to or trump the ex(es). He wants you to fall for him (hey, he craves the attention!), so he’s sporadically charming while becoming increasingly distant, which makes you feel even more confused about your relationship status. A word to the wise: Speed through that state of confusion as if you’re flying down a highway toward a much better, less narcissistic destination.
Five toxic female archetypes for men to avoid:
1. The Material Girl- She’s all about the money, honey. She’s checking out your car, level of professional success, and bank account before — and in all likelihood, instead of — seeing and appreciating the real you on dates. If you don’t escape her soon, you’ll start to feel like the most important parts of you are found in your wallet and/or bank account. It’s a dehumanizing experience to date this kind of woman, so why bother?
2. The Queen of Dependence- This lady is usually attractive, sweet, and open (yes, those are her good qualities). But she can’t make up her mind about what to have for dinner, let alone take a stand on making more important decisions in her life. From the minute the two of you meet, she’s leaning on you for advice and answers to every trivial question she encounters. She wants you to be crowned “King of All Her Choices,” but ruling over that kingdom gets old really, really fast. Next thing you know, you’re bored with doing all the mental work of managing her life for her… and then wondering why you feel so disengaged.
3. Ms. Criti-catastrophe- This woman’s got what professionals call an “overly developed critical super-ego.” In layman’s terms, she’s a nitpicker extraordinaire. It’s the way you drive, style your hair and clothes, the guys you hang out with, the seats you grab at the movie… nothing you do will ever be quite right, in her opinion. The first thing to go after a few dates with her is your self-esteem. Clearly, you’re already a failure in her eyes — and if you don’t look away from her judgmental gaze pretty fast, you’ll see your own reflection there and internalize her damaging opinions as if they were your own.
4. The Bitter Girl- This woman is quick to let you know that everything sucks, and she’s so mistreated by everyone. (You could also call her Miss Lemony Snicket, since her life seems to be a never-ending series of unfortunate events.) However, you didn’t cause Bitter Girl’s troubles — and you can’t cure them, either. In fact, you’ll be her next excuse for why things are going so horribly wrong in her life. Your real nightmare begins when you start to feel a little like Lemony Snicket yourself, and your once-positive nature gets overwhelmed by her perpetually gloomy outlook and daily dose of misery.
5. Miss Demeanor- She might have a mighty fine look and smile, but she’s also got quite a demeanor to go with those assets… and here’s what I mean by this: “da nicer you are, da meaner she is.” Her harsh attitude makes a pretty poor impression on others when you’re out in public. Oh sure, when you’re alone together she can be fun and pleasant enough. But put her in a situation where she’s not the star of the show and she becomes cranky, outwardly irritable, and has no interest in integrating into your life when you’re clearly just a bit player in hers. The longer you’re with her, the quieter you’ll become, lest you risk unleashing the beast (e.g., her mouth, shrieking one of her infamous tirades).